I Remember

I remember the first time my mom smacked me.

I remember the first time she lashed out at me in verbal anger.

I remember all of those years, even up to now, how my mother is angry and bitter when not in control, and how 99% of the time that she is upset with me, it is because I either will not let her treat me poorly any longer, or I will not let her boss me around.

I am going to be 31 at the end of this month. I am an adult.

With that said, it is clear that my mother has never been perfect. No one is. We are not flawless and infallible creatures. We have emotions, and some of us, like my mother and I, actually deal with mental illnesses that make it more difficult for us to function.

Every time she lashes out at me, if I don’t cry, I just try to keep in mind that she is struggling with her own demons as I struggle with mine. She self-medicated for years and gets overwhelmed, I get overwhelmed and try to push through it. I focus on trying to be the best person I can be even with what I’ve been given. It is not easy dealing with a toxic person, but sometimes it is just as hard not to become one yourself due to exposure.

I’m almost completely convinced that my mother tried to commit suicide tonight. My grandpa called from her house, and she was talking in the background in incomplete thoughts. She was yelling at him. She was belligerent. She screamed so loudly at him to hang up the phone that he did.

I could hear the slurring. My wife could also tell that something was very, very wrong.

I told my grandpa before he hung up that if he didn’t call the paramedics, then I would. I kept true to that promise even as he caved to her demands and hung up on me.

The paramedics arrived. They called me back twice saying that she refused to go to the hospital with them, but that they knew something wasn’t right. They told me how to get her involuntarily committed. I chewed on that for a few hours before tracking down her psychiatrist’s number to explain to her what was going on.

I struggle with mental illness myself, but her psychiatrist actually yelled at me for waiting to contact someone. She was rude. It hurt my feelings and I clammed up, barely able to speak. I suffer with borderline personality disorder, so it does not take much to get me to fall to pieces. She suggested that I call my local police station to get a ride to a magistrate since my wife was at work and couldn’t take me.

The deputy on the phone was not pleasant either, not at first. He mocked me when I said I had difficulties talking on the phone sometimes. I had even told him I have bad anxiety, but people don’t seem to understand the severity of mental illness sometimes. When he asked me why I waited so long after the paramedics left to call, I told him that I was disabled due to mental illnesses, and that I felt like my mom would try to have me committed out of spite for the small inconvenience of having people make sure she is okay throughout the night.  Maybe not the last half of that sentence, but definitely the part about her being spiteful.

He went to check on her, said she was awake, agreeable, and even thanked him for coming by to check on her. That was a relief to me! Then I got her barely legible text messages that basically told me to fuck off if she does anything, and that she would be doing what I did to her tonight to me sometime soon.  Basically, my fears are manifesting. She wants to have me committed out of spite, I want to have her committed out of love and concern for her well being.

My mother has always been spiteful, but this is playing with my life and hers. I’m trying to save her. She said to me “I took more than I told them” when I talked to her on the phone. She also said the next time I call 911, it will be too late. That last sentence she repeated three times over the course of the 10 minute conversation we had.

She is so blinded by anger that she can’t see that what I am doing is coming from a place of love, not anger. Because of her threats, I am going to need to go down to the magistrate’s office tomorrow and get Jess appointed as my power of attorney so that my mom cannot have me forcibly committed on a whim and for a bogus reason.

If my mom sends anyone over to my house in the morning, I have her texts that she sent me threatening to do this, the tale I just told you, and the fact that she filed a false report on me. Unlike how she was all garbled and out of it tonight, I will be speaking clearly and with focus. Yes, I am on disability for my difficult mental illnesses, but that does not make me stupid. If I have to get her in trouble to make her see the error of her ways, I will. I cannot handle people being spiteful to me, but it is heartbreaking that someone would try to spite me when I am trying to save their life because I love them.

Sometimes I think I understand people, then things like this happen that are twisted and misshaped and ugly, and I realize that I don’t even understand the people closest to me. I am a naive optimist.

Here’s hoping that there are no awkward conversations with police officers or paramedics tomorrow. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this blows over and that she straightens up and gets a clear head. My optimism is minimal, but I’m going to stoke the fire and try to wait it out.

Goodnight everyone. Hug your loved ones. Sometimes you don’t realize how much they need it.

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